Well... Hiya.

Today, on the 26th of January 2025, it has been exactly one year since my life has kinda turned upside down. Due to this "special" day, I have decided to create somewhat of a "diary", capturing my milestones, thoughts and emotions.

Why, you might ask? Well, mostly because I want others to see what is going on in my vivid, "kinda abstract thinking" mind. I always think a lot, mostly to understand things of relevance to me, or to understand myself more.

I don't even know whether or not others will see this and care about whatever I write. That isn't really the only reason either way, because I can at least go back to these entries and explain something better this way, or just refresh my memories, if I need to.

Anyways, if you are reading this, thank you so much. I truly appreciate it, and I hope that these following entries might explain more about my thoughts are interesting to read, but most importantly: are thought-provoking, causing somewhat of a positive change for the reader (you!). Knowing that my words have moved people, made them happy, or caused them to make a positive change, is one of the best things that could happen to me.

Enough of that intro, let's get to the main point of today's entry: Who am I, where am I after a whole year of this... "situation that caused all of this", and what is going on in my mind? Let's begin. I will keep the first half more serious compared to the rest, the although I like light-hearted entries more.

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Hiya! My name is Defix (a name which I ain't the biggest fan of), I am 19 old (not anymore, atleast) and I live in Berlin, Germany. My birthday is the 01. March 2005. Very socially anxious and on the introverted side, but with a bright imagination? Describing myself feels wrong... Anyways, this website is kind of supposed to be a way of me expression myself.
For most of my life I have been going the route of the "quiet, yet somewhat odd" kid that tries to succeed in school, while occasionally being picked on by other kids. I have pretty much never thought of anything else in my future, just... "Do your best in school since your family wants it (I mean that in the best way possible), and study computer science like you always wanted to"!

Yeah. Here I am, just 2 months away from studying computer engineering (also known as technical computer science since it contains electrical engineering elements), while also becoming an IT-specialist, while aaaaalso working at a company, all at the same time. Oh well, I am gonna suffer so bad...

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My past year in a nutshell

It surely was... interesting, to say the least.
My first (and only) relationship has ended after knowing them for more than half of my life and despite feeling relatively fine at first (due to keeping regular contact), it only started really hurting me after some time has passed.

We have gone our seperate ways and I was once again sitting in front of my computer during the entire time I wasn't at school. I needed to socialize.
...like, c'mon, just do it at least a tiny bit, alright?

Yeah, that I did. My first step was to search on Discord whether or not there were local Berlin-based servers. I had no other ideas, not gonna lie. I didn't have many hobbies, I wasn't outgoing and I felt like my personality is boring to others.

There were pretty much no public ones except 2-3 exceptions, with one being based around vocal-synthesizers such as VOCALOID.

Their name was "VOCABERLIN e.V.".

It sparked my interest, and although I wasn't a huge VOCALOID fan, I joined and immediately met their founder during an IRL meeting. I'll be honest, going out and meeting new people was, and still is, hella scary to me. Took me some time to build up the courage to step into the building where we met. Way longer than I want to admit.

They were friendly and we talked about cool things. They even showed me around the part of Berlin we were in, as they knew lots of people and shops here. PeakThe hospitality was UNMATCHED, woah.

Only shortly after, I have found some guy online within the server with the nickname "J No 7 // KERN_BRECHER". He had posted a selfmade Breakcore album, which is one of my favorite genres.

...Wait, SOMEONE LOVES AND CREATES BREAKCORE MUSIC?! IN MY LOCAL COMMUNITY?? I shot him a message ASAP.

We texted, and it turns out that he is pretty chill. His album was interesting, it had suprisingly good qualities despite keeping that "familiar" amateur-like sound. I guess it kinda felt "at home" with me, because I have tried to make music before. I am too perfectionistic and since my stuff is BAD, I just... quit. Obviously I was bad, I had no experience.

I told him the exact same thing, and he offered to help me out if I needed some help when creating music. That's sweet af.

Usually the people I meet just keep it at that, they talk to me once and I never hear from them again. Not this time.
We talked quite a lot over the next days and he had mentioned some interesting things, such as him being a (new) DJ. Hm, alright, neat! I have always thought it was that stereotypical thing that "wannabe"-cool people do when they enjoy music a bit more than the average person, like "Hey epic cool DJ yooo!! Shizzz so fire". Not my type of thing, especially due to my introversion and especially social anxiety.

He has also mentioned that he is part of a team that organizes Anime-Parties, called "Manga-Anime-Disco (MAD)". Apparently they play lots of anime intros and have many cosplayers attending. Huh...
Not like I was hugely into anime, although I found it cool. I've seen some, mostly stuff from Studio Trigger (the BEST!!) and not the big ones like Dragonball. Fight me.

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Soooo, I had joined that group, why not. I wondered how it was like. I ain't a party-person but I did want to help them.
There was an IRL meeting among them planned, which I have also attended. This time it wasn't as scary, but awkward at times for me.

They were awesome!! Cool people, chill, broken humor... Perfect! We organized the new upcoming event (mainly them, tho), I have finished school, and it didn't take long until it was happening:
MAD 2! It was their second event (shocker), too bad it was on the same day of my "camping-trip. Didn't care tho, I went helping anyways despite having to skip sleeping the night once I drive to the camp again.

I was pretty much helping out in the areas where another helping hand was needed. Garderobe duty. It sucked so hard, I only had a small area for the luggage and played Tetris all day.

I did meet some cool people tho, including some of the most popular german J-Core (Japanese Hardcore) artists (what?? How did KERN invite them??) and other cool guests such as iconic voice actors. One of them even knew Lauren Bousfield / Nero's Day At Disneyland, one of my 2 favorite artists!! I had never guessed that I would find someone that knew hew, ngl.

Did I mention that my ex-classmates (and apparently my first grade classmate) were also there? Small world. They had found a friend during the event it seems, and he is now part of our close friend group.

It was chaotic, but we were slowly closing up, before KERN has performed as a DJ yet again today and blasted some of the hardest tracks I've heard so far. I didn't have too much contact with J-Core before, but it was fire. Some people weren't too happy with it tho, despite him moving this set at the end of the event since most guests only come for the anime openings. I'll be honest, I think thats lame.

And thus, the event concludes. Cool experience, I must say! I arrived at the camp at 7AM, greeted by one of the staff asking me if I was the special guest they have invited.
Yeah, no. I just came back from doing something. This late... or does this count as early, considering that I have to wake up in 30 minutes? Welp.

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Some time has passed and we have started planning the next event, MAD 3. It was the official afterparty for the biggest anime-con over here in Berlin, the MEX. It had like 10k guests or so? This time around, I was part of a leading position, making sure everything external (outside of the team) was working optimal. Planning stuff, analyzation of ressources, finding a location, talking to the location-owner, managing the team during the event... Stuff like that.

During this, I have started making music again. I have learned suprisingly fast, and the difference compared to the last project of mine was huge.
It was also time for one of the biggest german anime parties which has freshly moved to Berlin, by one of the biggest german anime-influencers. We attended, but how was it?

Quite an experience. They had way more budget and possibilities due to, y'know, being influencers. Bigger venue, some gaming consoles, and way higher prices. Makes sense. Doesn't automatically make it the best tho. KERN was also performing there. He was invited last-minute, which was a huge suprise to him, it was his biggest event after all.

We have met the (IMO) most known Anime-DJ from Berlin. Despite being relatively new to the scene, he had quite a name locally (not like there were many Anime DJs in Berlin in the first place, I personally only know of 3 that are actively performing and one that occasionally helps out). He is widely booked across germany and thus it wouldn't have been suprising if he turned out to be a bit arrogant about it, speaking from experience. I figured meeting him would be one of those scenarios where they are friendly to you due to their reputation being on the line, but the moment you're done talking, they would "take their mask off" and stop caring and forget everything that has happened. To be fair, I kinda think like that a lot when speaking to people considered "somewhat famous". Well, was this the case with him as well?
Yeahhh, absolutely not! We had short talk, a bit too short tho as he was busy. He was friendly and outgoing (as to be expected), energic and moved people in a good way. While I didn't have a chance to properly talk to him that night, we did talk many times in the future (including him saying one of the most motivating things someone has told me ever). Such a great person who does a lot, has his heart in the right place and pushes people to achieve great things. His name is DJ Yokai. I am glad to have him as a friend! If I were to quote what he has said to me before, he is quite "a shining star in the night sky".

Some time has passed and the owner of the MAD-Team had to leave, giving me his "Artist-Badge". It's just another term for a VIP, I guess. He had received it from one of the voice-actors that attended the MAD 2. Cool! Not like I cared about the "status", but it meant that I could finally follow KERN into the backstage area. It sucked when he had to leave me in the regular guest-area, so I was hella happy that we weren't seperated anymore.

I refreshed myself by snacking on some (dry) german pretzels and drinking an energy drink (they had no water, just energy drinks and beer). I wasn't gonna spend my money at the venue.

After meeting some people backstage (was funny) and taking some pictures, we left. We passed by the door to the stage, until KERN stood still and opened it. I was confused and asked whether or not he had to go and perform again now.
Nope. He held it open for me. WHAT?! Hell no, I ain't made for the stage. Not happening.

...ehh, you know exactly how it ended. We got onto the stage, giving some morale boost for the current DJ. Somehow I wasn't really... overwhelmed? It was quite fine actually. There were hundreds of people infront of us.

We goofed around on the stage, did some sweet stuff such as light-shows with glowsticks and whatnot, and the event ended. What just happened? I wasn't even drunk! Felt nice tho, and I am thankful for KERN that he has pushed me to overcome that fear.

We drove home, KERN and I talked and made some music, and most importantly: he showed me Neocities.org! Ironic, isn't it?
Crazy day.

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The event has stuck with me, not because the event itself was cool, but because of the stage-incident. I ended up looking into DJing a bit more, given that I was always interested in sharing my knowledge and finds, especially in terms of music. It just... suited me. Mostly, atleast.
Oh also, I ended up buying a DJ-Controller. Remember what I said about DJs earlier? Oh man.

It was time for the MAD 3, it was such a struggle to organize since last venue has cancelled us last minute, and we had a week to find a new one from scratch. Our team (consisting of around 5-6 active organizers) was tired, because we had to redo so many things now. We put in lots of work, during the day and during the night, just to make it happen. We succeeded. It was done.

I helped preparing our table at the MEX since we were able to advertise a bit on the same day as the afterparty. The MEX owner is pretty cool! It was time tho. Time for the MAD 3.

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Location? BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED. Vibes? AMAZING. Issues? Eh, obviously.
It was pricey. Very pricey for us. We had to go all out with our bar, but we have received a giant shipment of drinks and ingredients. We got actual trained bar staff, security, and more. They knew their stuff.

I had prepared a looping video as a backdrop for the DJ booth (the venue sadly didn't have a stage, we planned on inviting some stage-acts), but we weren't able to make use of it sadly. Instead I coordinated our team a bit, was the DJ-asisstance, but mainly took care of the venue-effects.
There was this PC near the DJ decks which I had to use in order to create lights, effects and use the smoke-cannon. I was crouched down the entire tine, it was horribly placed. Not only that, but using the mouse was also awful, and since I was configuring the effects in realtime instead of loading a preset and calling it a day, I felt like I was playing Osu! on the screen.

We had like 7-8 voice actors, 5 DJs, and one of, if not THE best J-Core/Anime-DJ in germany today. There were approximately 300 guests. The tickets were the cheapest ones I've ever seen for one of those parties. Sounds too good to be true, and it was. We sold many tickets and drinks, but we didn't make any profit.
Other than that, it was an awesome event. Super fun (but TIME CONSUMINGGG) to organize too. I have collected lots of experience and I want to continue doing this as a hobby (yes, I do it for free). Properly talking to some of the DJs, including DJ Yokai (as mentioned early), and chilling a lot with DJ Shirox (who is not from Berlin) was also epic and helpful. It did truly show how most DJs, especially Anime ones (or rather said "Anikura/Anison" DJs) support eachother as much as possible. Never saw the opposite so far.

Ohh and super important: my skull-mask also arrived on the same day. I wore it ASAP during the event. It looks AWESOME!!

Gotta work on it to customize and improve it tho. Together with my new Bocchi The Rock cosplay (my first ever actually, wanted to have something fitting to wear), it kinda defined the way I dress during these events. I do NOT have a sense of fashion tho. My regular outfit is literally just a shirt and a pair of jeans. Simple, not much to mess up.

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The second con day arrived (which was my first day)... Uh, funny stuff happened, did you know that I had agreed on a DJ-Gig for the upcoming week despite being super new to DJing??? Let me explain:
The MEX vendors have a table neighbor. VOCABERLIN was ours, apparently someone in our team has asked for it. Despite the MEX-organizers not doing this usually, they have moved our table to theirs. AWESOME!! I felt right at home in our little area. Due to us being neighbours, the VOCABERLIN founder saw me carrying around my DJ-Controller (as a decoration for our table) and asked whether or not he could borrow it for an upcoming event. One thing led to another I was made a backup DJ since Yokai declined to DJ at their event because he doesn't know VOCALOID that well. Fair.
It was VOCABERLIN's unofficial afterparty for the Hatsune Miku Europe Expo 2024 Berlin, called "M!KU ALLSTARS". It was right infront of the Expo, people could not miss it. VOCABERLIN's founder also has some connections to the CEO of VOCALOID (he even took a selfie with him on a gameboy camera, omg) and to some other folks who attended the Expo, so obviously the info about an afterparty spread around like wildfire.

I didn't attend the Expo so I made sure that the equipment used during the event was working properly and being watched. Too bad that my USB-Stick, so pretty much everything I had to have for myself, gave up on me. It literally broke while plugging it in and thus all my prepared files needed to DJ corrupted. I was able to recover most files, but only the raw audio files. SHIT, OF COURSE THIS HAPPENS DURING MY FIRST SET.
Most of the files were renamed by me since the original titles are japanese. These were also reset. I could NOT read them and had to listen to every track during the performance to figure out which one is which. DOUBLE SHIT.
Basically I kinda had to freestyle my set. No proper planning, no nothing.

Once my set started (not without forgetting to unmute my audio mixer first, classic DJ move), I wasn't as nervous anymore. People liked it and I only made one further mistake in my entire set. It might have not been a great one, but that wasn't the goal.
Apparently Yokai was also there, he wanted to be there during my first performance. Hella cute!!

I played for 1:50 hours, which was the longest set. There were cool people I met. It was fun to perform alongside others. It was the first time they saw me perform. The main-technician even recorded the audio-output of the entire event!

The following day, there was an official Hatsune Miku Party. I attended this one too, not knowing that there would be 8 people or so recognizing me and telling me that my DJ-Set was awesome. I was SUPER happy, and that is an understatement.

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Since then, I have visited some more events, mostly as an assistant for the DJs, or to supply the venue with my equipment. I might have not properly performed since then, but atleast I know that my DJ friends can rely on me if something goes wrong. Yokai has also invited me to a con that he is organizing in which I will perform at. There is also a bar where I can perform occasionally with KERN. My 20th birthday (this section is updated) was the most fun one for sure, I rented a little DJ booth with my DJ friends and we played the most random things and of course it ended with KERN and I battling it out, mixing faster and faster songs until this dude pulls out his Extratone M1dy CD... It was so over for me... I love it. The other DJs were horrified tho, hehe.

I have learned lots of things (including DJing, Music-Production and other digital Art, more HTML/CSS [mostly for this website], Cosplaying, making Kandi-Bracelets, Organizing Events, etc.), met many people, made friends, found hobbies, started expressing myself more instead of hiding, managed to talk with some artists who I LOVE, became way more stupid than I already was and found new goals. I did NOT expect that.

I'd say that my biggest goal is to perform at an event I really like, such as Ravefurrest or so. There are cool artists and I'd love to experience the vibe of it!! Too bad that I live in germany, but I'd easily be up to assist them if they ever wanted to come here to germany.
Creating more music is also a big goal of mine, obviously. I have barely scraped the surface and I want to get to a point where I am happy with the stuff I create.

Thanks to everyone who supported me this year, and while I still have mental battles going on, I can still look back and condidently say that this was the best year of my life so far.

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